Favorite Quotes from Pageboy by Elliot Page

The best part in this book is when Page talks about going to McNally Jackson in SoHo because I purchased my copy at the McNally Jackson location in Williamsburg.

• “I’ve nothing new of profound to say, nothing that hasn’t been said before, but I know books have helped me, saved me even, so perhaps this can help someone feel less along, seen, no matter who they are or what journey they are on.” (p. xi)

• “Here I was on the precipice. Getting close to my desires, my dreams, me without the unbearable weight of the self-disgust I’d carried for so long. But a lot can change in a few months. And in a few months, Juno would premiere.” (p. 3)

• “’When did you know?’ she asked me as we stood outside, leaning against a wall. She loomed over me. For a brief moment, I wondered what she meant. This was something I’m asked frequently and not something I wish for during a casual night out. I’d experienced this inquiry as a queer woman, but as a trans guy it’s perpetual. Code for—I don’t believe you.” (p. 14)

• “She’d been on her feed all day and now was crouched on the cold tile floor, I’m sure desperate for a comfy seat, warm food, and a cold beer, none of which were going to magically appear before her. These are important moments to remember. They aren’t small.” (p. 25)

• “My mother’s queen bed had a frame that included tall wooden posts on the corners, the tops of them resembling upside-down ice-cream cones. When I was alone, able to keep my secret, I would climb up onto the bed. I’d stare at the post, aligning my torso so the spike would drill directly into my stomach. I’d hoist my body up, conspiring with gravity to impale myself. It hurt but also didn’t hurt. I loved having an outlet for my self-disdain, the nausea, I wanted it scooped out.” (p. 44)

• “It was a two-bedroom, which was unnecessary, accentuating my loneliness. The apartment was eerily sparse and echoey as we walked through. There wasn’t a whole lot to look at, making it feel even more pointless.” (p. 60)

• “The home was situated at the very top of the hill, overlooking the city. At night, a sea of lights sprawled below me. I could sit there for hours, transfixed. The glinted and dancing, the red lights a blood current in the veins of LA.” (p. 63)

• “If we took just five minutes to recognize each other’s beauty, instead of attacking each other for our differences. That’s not hard. It’s really an easier and better way to live. And ultimately, it saves lives. Then again, it’s not easy it at all. It can be the hardest thing, because loving other people starts with loving ourselves and accepting ourselves.” (p. 68)

• “We met making a film wherein she murders me. In the real world she was the only thing saving me.” (p. 80)

• “I did not vomit from the age of eleven until I was twenty-eight, a few months after I came out as gay. At a party at a friend’s house in Brooklyn on July Fourth, we climbed up to the roof to watch the fireworks.” (p. 90)

• “Hollywood is build on leveraging queerness. Tucking it away when needed, pulling it out when beneficial, while patting themselves on the back. Hollywood doesn’t lead the way, it responds, it follows, slowly and far behind. The depth of that closet, the trove of secrets buried, indifferent to the consequences. I was punished for being queer while I watched others be protected and celebrated, who gleefully abused people in the wide open.” (p. 106)

• “And it came out. I was hurting, the closet too much, my relationship crumbling, I couldn’t leave my home. I believed it unattainable to ever be out. Unthinkable the idea I could be where I am now. I would have laughed and dismissed the suggestion altogether, that this would be a feasible future for me. I’m not precisely sure why my feelings emerged in that moment. I do know I trusted them, felt cared for and protected, I knew they’d never judge me.” (p. 109)

• “But despite people’s desire to help, it would all take me so long. False ends and false starts, me fooling myself, justifying suppression and self-harm. Rewarded for lying and punished for sharing the secret.” (p. 110)

• “Washing my hands and my face, no mirror to glare at, a break from that nuisance.” (p. 116)

• “Let the landscape tell you what to do, make meaningful decisions or adjustments, versus forcing your ideas on expectation. Take a breath and find the alignment. Nature takes time, all of our growth does. If we can see the impact of our actions, perhaps we can make better decisions based on those observations.” (p. 117)

• “I thoroughly enjoyed learning, well, if it was something I had an interest in, if not, I was stubborn. I wanted my ignorance to be revealed, for new perspectives to take the place of the dominant narratives I’d grown up with, rooted in bigotry and white supremacy.” (p. 122)

• “The tenderness that was in that room was nameless, a bonding with strangers that went beyond amicability. It felt magical.” (p. 125)

• “How frighteningly casual some memories can be.” (p. 138)

• “I guess I should be happy for her, I tried to convince myself. I wanted to be, to be evolved, but it was too much. It unreservedly gutted me. Someone will break your heart but you will break one, too.” (p. 141)

• “I was addicted to the fresh start I got on every film set.” (p. 161)

• “All humans emit radiation, frequency. Was it the vibration? The invisible reaching?” (p. 173)

• “The salivating that surrounded me, the urges, the boys, the girls…were others pretending, too?” (p. 176)

• “Running into her on the sidewalk, seeing her at a party, eating the wraps she made at the mall, I didn’t have a crush, but I yearned to be near what was possible. Her visibility meant the world to me. I think about this as I walk through the world now.” (p. 183)

• It almost never crossed my ming that I could walk away, or that I could call someone, just to pick up the phone and say, ‘This isn’t okay.’ Too many times those who were supposed to protect me did nothing, or if anything, only furthered my silence. (p. 192)

• “Star and I connected, in that way where the future flashes, an auspicious beginning.” (p. 194)

• “The unraveling is painful, but it leads you to you.” (p. 197)

• “I could barely find the word, but I did. As if they moved on heir own, wriggling through and up my body, pouring out. My body knew, deep down I knew, something had shifted. It was now or never. It was alive or not.” (p. 197)

• “Once while driving north on the 1010 to break up with someone, I listened to my coming-out speech, trying to not shit blood, a reminder—if you can do that, you have nothing to be afraid of. Embarrassing, but effective.” (p. 201)

• “Blood sugar up, caffeine, in the veins, our new destination was McNally Jackson Books, an independent bookstore on Prince Street in SoHo, only a five-minute walk away.” (p. 206)

• “Fist. To. The. Gut. Ears. Ring. Heart. Stop. Now. Breath.” (p. 209)

• “Magnetic and immediate, a feeling better left without words.” (p. 213)

• “It was my choice to enter the situation, my decision to not take care of my heart, but to remain, ignoring the fissure as it grew. I was chasing something that could not be, letting lust overwhelm me.” (p. 219)

• “Can parks be emotional?” (p. 236)

• “Boundaries are important, and learning to not feel guilty about setting them is crucial.” (p. 238)

• “Being along I felt adrift. I mostly sat on the floor and smoked way too much weed, for some reason a couch wasn’t working for me. Stop too long, get too comfortable, and you’ll find the answer you do not want, but the answer you need.” (p. 240)

• “Having Mo gave me a lot—routine, responsibility, walking but primarily he expanded my heart. The care I feel is bottomless, a lesson from Mo. Without words he helped me, I began to offer some of that care for myself and to make the commitment to accept it.” (p. 243)

• “People existed with a fluidity that I wished to possess. Motion entwined with the present and an engagement with life that I had lost a long time ago. I needed my routine, I needed specific food. Change or disruption threw me off, which was unacceptable due to my need for control.” (p. 245)

• “I had to be isolated, I had to not be something to someone or someone to something. I’d exhausted myself, trying with all of me to figure out what was wrong, running from one place to the next, fooling myself into thinking I could find it. But the answer was in the silence, the answer would only come when i chose to listen.” (p. 246)